Grieving the Loss of a Client
Looking back, I wish this was something they spoke more about as part of our training. I can’t remember one class where this topic came up in-depth where we were provided with the opportunity to have an honest, vulnerable discussion about what to do or more importantly how to feel. Client loss can come in different ways, whether anticipated, unexpected, accidental, or intentional. All of which bring on feelings of grief.
The therapeutic relationship can be a complicated one. Each week clients come in, sit down, and tell me their innermost secrets and have built enough trust in me that they feel safe to do so. Rapport is established and strengthened over time, and of course, most importantly the permission to become vulnerable, however that may look. The outdated idea of therapists needing to be emotionless and blank-faced as our clients so bravely fall apart in our office, doesn’t suit me. If it did, I couldn’t do my job. With all of this in mind, I think why wouldn’t we develop care for our clients…or dare I even say come to love them over time?
As I sit here after the unexpected, soul-crushing loss of a long-term client, I’m riddled with sadness, guilt, and confusion. Naturally, come the guilt-ridden thoughts… “Could I have said something differently to provoke a different thought or action? Could I have reminded her of the value she added to this world? Could I have encouraged her to look me in the eyes as she left?” While these thoughts are normal, I also question if the grief should feel this deep. The hard part as a therapist experiencing loss is that the grief cannot be shared with those who knew the person and services cannot be attended. This is all out the utmost respect for the client’s privacy and at the same time, I feel compelled to honor her.
I’ve thought of ways to do it:
Anonymously send flowers
Release a balloon
Donate to one of her favorite causes
Write her a letter
Truthfully, I may do it all.
Having this topic be openly recognized is important. I am more than just a therapist, I’m a human with feelings. By writing these feelings, I hope that we can speak more openly about it in our field and know that grief is part of our job and life in so many different ways.
To my client — I will carry you in my heart, always.
